Let’s review a marital argument. Here are seven steps.

Step One: I, your wife, reach to you for comfort. I’m stressed. And I need your help.

Step Two: You, my husband, see me in emotional distress. Your response is disinterest, lack of concern, and minimizing my issue.

Step Three: Suddenly, I feel vulnerable, unheard, and unimportant. I reached for you. But you did not reach back for me. You offered me no comfort or soothing.

Step Four: Next, I flood with hurt. My old childhood neglect feelings start coming up and merging with new neglect feelings.

Step Five: I protest and escalate the issue, increasing my tone, adding intensity and passion.

Step Six: You see me escalating with hurt and disappointment. You perceive my actions as an attack. So you withdraw.

Step Seven: A second hurt, you walked away. Should I escalate more?

No! Stop! Intervention Time.

Start by both admitting this is not working. And this is our broken connection cycle.

Prayer

Father, all my needs will not be met in this relationship. Help me when I reach out to my spouse for comfort, and he/she does not reach back. Help me reach out to you for comfort. And please help us learn a cycle that ends in better attachment and soothing. Amen.

Bible

Jesus said “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28 (NIV)