I’ve been studying a type of marital therapy called, Emotional Family Therapy (EFT). One of the premises of this theory is this.
When listening to your wife as she is emotionally struggling, you must separate two thoughts:
Thought #1: Explore feelings
- Be curious about her feelings.
- Ask her to talk about her emotions.
- What is she feeling?
- What is the pain she is experiencing?
- Keep asking her to describe her struggle until she narrows it down to a few core feelings.
Thought #2: Do something. Take action. Give solutions.
- A husband thinks. How do I turn her feelings into a problem?
- I like problems.
- I fix problems.
- How can her feelings be transformed into something I can fix?
- What can I suggest to solve it?
- When you have it all figured out, just tell her what to do.
EFT says stay in the emotional pain place longer. Healing starts happening as the emotions are identified and expressed. Avoid going into Thought #2. That second thought means you are taking over the struggle and telling her what she should be doing. When you start fixing she starts distancing herself from you.
Finally
After she has identified one or two struggles, disappointments, or fears, immediately begin praying out loud about those specific feelings.
Today’s Prayer
Father, help me. Emotions are confusing. I don’t always understand my own feelings. And I am supposed to help my wife understand hers. Help me listen longer and fix less. Please give us wisdom. And give us eyes to see and ears to hear. Amen.
Bible Connection
Read John 11:17-44
Lazarus had died. Mary and the others were weeping.
Staying present to the emotions of the moment. He entered their pain. Jesus also wept.
(Note- this is a general rule and will not work in every situation. It is also provided for educational purposes.)