Why is it that some married men are poor at attaching and connecting? The answer is they were never trained. So, what did they learn? They learned how to look like and live like a grown-up man. But they have no emotional attaching skills. They live near a wife, around a wife, and next to a wife. But they have no ability to emotionally connect to a wife. And, to fix this problem is not simple.
The tendency is for a wife to say, “Quit fooling around. You know how to connect. It’s simple. Just do it.”
It almost seems like a bad joke. But these men are completely unaware of the fact that they don’t know how to connect. Living disconnected is the only thing they know. Their brain was never trained to attach to another.
These disconnected men developed these beliefs in childhood.
- I am alone and on my own.
- I must be self reliant.
- If I reach out for another person, they won’t be there for me.
Their child brain never experienced emotional connecting. So, that skill set never developed. They are very comfortable with emotional distance. They feel powerless to emotionally regulate themselves or help others regulate.
(The above list is material by Adam Young, LCSW, an expert on Avoidant Attachment.)
Close
Knowing this information is very useful. It explains why some husbands and wives don’t have an emotional connection. This blog is written to explain Avoidant Attachment in a husband. This is not solely a men’s problem. Women also, but less often so, have difficulty attaching.
The best time to learn how to attach is from childhood, by observing your parents attach. But it can also be learned in adulthood.
Prayer
Father, thank you for this information. It helps me understand why some couples struggle all their lives to connect. Thank you for helping me understand life, relationships, and emotions. I make you Lord of my deep emotional places. Amen.
Bible Connection
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4 (NIV)
Love the Lord, your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength. – Mark 12:30 (NIV)
Also see – 1 John 4:7-8
Comments
2 responses to “Why do we Struggle to Connect?”
My wife and I are both poor connectors. I grew up in poverty and her in an authoritarian smothering home. Neither of us learned how to connect.
In effect, it’s an advantage and a disadvantage. We avoid conflict and live ‘around’ each other. But lately her and I are seeking help in this and it forces us to face issues we have not faced head-on before. It’s tough. But we are absolutely growing closer through it.
It hurts so much to read those words on the page and relate so deeply. My insides roil, my heart clenches, my lungs constrict; it is a very visceral reaction. I feel so sad for little boy Jazz who believed those things. For him (myself) specifically, the final fear was (is) not that no-one would be there, but rather, if he (I) reached out, one or more of the following would happen:
1. I may not receive the help I need at all.
2. If I do receive the help, I will be resented for imposing myself.
3. Whether I receive the help or not, I will be looked down on or seen as lesser.
Dear God. Thank You for hearing my cries for help, always. Thank You for not just hearing them, but answering them in the way that is best for me. Thank You for rejoicing in my requests, because You are the Good Father. You love to love me. You love when I turn to You for support. I AM lesser than You, and this is part of what makes Your love so extraordinary.
Help me to love others as You love me.
Amen