Here is an example of the Disconnection Cycle in a husband-wife relationship.
The Disconnection Cycle
A new wife thinks, “My husband is social, fun, and engages well with others. He cares. I’ve seen him interact and respond with great compassion.” She thinks to herself, “I’ll share with him some of my emotional pain and sadness. He’ll want to know me and my hurts.” So, she shares some of her pain with him.
He gives her a deer-in-the-headlight stare. Then he says, “Why are you telling me these things?” She’s stunned by this. Finally, he says, “What do you want me to do?”
Confused how to react, she thinks, “I must not have been clear. I’ll increase my volume and intensity. Then he’ll hear my emotional pain and respond with compassion.” She then emphasizes how she talks about her pain. But he responds irritated, upset, and bewildered.
Finally, she feels confused, lost, and misunderstood. In a last desperate outreach she cries, “Don’t you care about me?” Now he’s highly irritated and responds, “You see how you act! This is why I don’t want to talk you. You act emotionally crazy!”
She is hurt and confused. So she withdraws and grieves. She understands for the first time this relationship has a huge emotional gap.
Conclusion
A husband with poor emotional skills is not prepared to handle deep emotional pain. He must respond with patient love, listening and engaging, instead of fixing or trying to escape the conversation.
Husband’s Prayer
Father, I need your help. Emotions can be highly charged with energy. I’m not great in difficult emotional moments. I love my wife. But I don’t always understand emotions—mine or hers. Help me to not respond defensively. Please grow me. Help me respond with patient love. Help me be more peaceful and restful deep in my soul. Amen.
Bible Verse
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. –1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)