I think we frequently misuse the word selfish when talking about adults. Think statements like, “You’re so selfish!” In my work, I find it more helpful to tell someone they are in survival mode. “You survive very well.”

Then what’s the difference between surviving and how is selfishness displayed? It’s a two-year-old boy who has two trucks and he won’t let his brother play with one. Instead he holds on to both and screams mine! Selfishness looks like you only care about yourself.

Compare that to survival. Survival is how you live. You stay on guard practicing skills that you think will help you succeed.

Every person you encounter carries themselves in one of two positions. Those positions are Survival mode or Emotional Growth mode. Survival mode is doing the same behaviors over and over again. Those behaviors help an individual survive. Emotional growth means learning, changing, and maturing. It means being aware that life is dynamic and as you emotionally grow, change is required.

How do you know if someone lives in survival mode? Look for repetitive, predictable, and stuck behaviors:

• Worriers worry.
• Pleasers please.
• Fixers fix.
• Talkers talk.
• Controllers control.
• Angry people get angry.
• Loners detach.
• Quiet people stay quiet.
• Lost people live lost.

These may look like selfish behaviors. In reality they are survival ways of living. These individuals are doing what they think they need to do to survive. In survival mode there are no options. One lives through a repetitive pattern.

So how can we use this?

Telling a man he is selfish creates confusion, anger, and distance. It’s not actually accurate, and he doesn’t see it that way. But saying “You survive well” can lead to a deeper discussion and greater self-awareness.

Consider listening to Stephen’s discussion on Be Broken’s podcast, Selfishness Addiction.

Prayer

Father, thank you that you want me to thrive not just survive. Thank you that in your presence there is abundance. And, thank you that you don’t want me to live a life of repetitive, stuck, surviving. You sent Jesus to set the captives free. Amen.

Bible Connection

Jesus said, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
    because he has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
    and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,” – Luke 4:18 (NIV)