How does a husband say yes to marriage and then live emotionally detached? How does it make any sense, when a detached husband is offered a chance to attach but he responds, no? Or, even more extreme, how does a man live a lifetime of detachment?

What happened that a boy’s natural ability to bond and connect got crushed?

Here is a list for consideration:

• Poor role models
• Conflict and trauma in the family and/or outside the home
• Emotions got defined as bad and painful

If his emotions got defined as the cause of all hurt, anger, and chaos, then using that definition, detaching from emotions makes sense. This child also determined comfort and safety happens on the inside of a person. To him, self protection and survival means not disclosing emotions or struggles.

Now wrap all this detached thinking into a high level of obliviousness.

Think about these statements from childhood:

• “No one wanted to know me, my thoughts, or my feelings. So I just kept that all to myself.”
• “Inside me is an elaborate private, inner, thought world. It’s me, alone, aching to be told I’m good enough.“

Now put that child in a man’s body and watch him say, “I do.” His Spirit knows he was made for a deeply attached love story. But, his childhood emotional program causes him to use language, behaviors, and a lifestyle that screams: detach and survive.

Prayer

Father, I long to be deeply loved. I feel emotionally lost. My spirit and soul ache for deep love. No one has ever broken through to meet that need. Deep love means deep belonging. I often hide inside feeling restless. But, I want to be found and filled with restful love. Amen.

Meditate on this reading.
Jesus said, “For the Son of Man came to seek and save that which was lost.” Luke 19:10 (ASV)
(Read Luke 19:1-10 about how one lost man’s heart was spiritually and emotionally transformed)