Dear Spouse,
Please know I want to connect with you. But you should know I have picked up the skill of being a controller. Meaning, I like control. I feel very safe when I am in control.
Being close is very important to me. I enjoy being part of a marriage. I see a warm, loving relationship as a very special place. Still, I need to be in control. That poses a problem for some people. But you are different. You are strong and not easily threatened. So, I’m sure my being a controller won’t be a problem.
I’ve never been good at connecting. I want to learn. My hope is that you can see me for the person I am inside and past my uniqueness. Being in control has helped me get through life. I am looking for a relationship where there is love, warmth, connection, and I can still be in control.
I don’t want to change. Rather, I want to be loved just as I am. Control helps me feel safe and strong. Vulnerability is not my thing. I am so looking forward to us being close.
Signed, Love always!
Prayer
Jesus, please help me. I need your help in ever challenge everyday. Bless me. Help me. Grow me. And hold my hand through it all. Amen.
Bible
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. – Ezekiel 36:26 (ESV)
Note to Reader
Consider substituting one of these labels in place of the word “Control” above:
- Worrier
- Pleaser
- Fixer
- Spender
- Perfectionist
- Angry-Man
- Addicts, etc.
Comments
4 responses to “Don’t Try to Change Me-Accept Me”
As the editor of this blog, it’s nice to see the activity. I too had issues with what, at the beginning, seemed to be a justification for bad behavior. But knowing Stephen, I knew he was getting at a particular kind of unconditional love. One that overlooks a transgression. One that loves, despite the unwillingness to change. The kind of love that Christ has for us. Stephen and I have been chatting all week about the responses to this article. Thank you all for taking it in, turning it over, and sifting through it. I apologize for not doing a better job editing, so as to make it clearer. But I’m happy that the confusion caused a lot of discussion.
Just my two cents, but I think it is meant to be somewhat satire. Because of course it’s ridiculous to say, “Hey. I don’t want to change, I just want to keep being the way I am and YOU change to be OK with it.”
And yet… I have said that. Not in my words, necessarily. But in my actions.
It’s a sad state to be in. I wish I, as I am right now, flaws and failures and deficiency and all, could just be loved and be enough.
I DO want to change, because I see how my current way-of-being is unhealthy, unfulfilling, dissatisfactory, hurtful, lacking, tiresome, etc, etc, ad nauseum.
But also, I wish beyond wishing I could just be loved for who I am, as I am.
I think, perhaps, that is what this post is meant to portray; the dichotomy of wanting both to love and connect and grow and learn, but also the desire to stay as-is.
But, that’s just my perspective, and clearly I’ve got my own issues so who knows. 😅
I really don’t get this one. Unless this is satire, I am really confused why this is the is the right way. Accept me the way I am. I want to be in control. Sounds like a bunch of contradictions. I want to be in control and I want to be close. This does not sound like a formula for intimacy. Nor does it sound like a person who places their faith in God. Unless this person has a fantastic ability to understand and meet the needs of his spouse, it sounds like someone who is ruled by fear and control is their coping mechanism. This is really a dangerous post in the hands of one who is ruled by self.
I agreed with Paul at first, because I felt the same way when I read it. Then I read the part about substituting the other labels in place of control and it made more sense to me. It’s about being vulnerable not manipulation. And I don’t think a true narcissist will be reading this blog anyway.