Let’s explore one scenario that is common and easily observed. It’s full of information and insight. The topic is dealing with sadness.

A wife experiences some sadness. It’s a moment of let-down and disappointment. She wants to vent it out and explore it with her husband.

Husband #1

This husband understands sadness and the value of processing through sadness. So, he allows his wife to be sad. He walks into it with her. Sits as she explores it. Then walks out of it with her. He knows his main job is to offer support and comfort.

Husband #2

This husband was raised in a family that did not understand or tolerate sadness. He thinks and does the following.

• She must be in pain and is telling me this so I can fix it. I need to tell her what to do.
• She is just complaining and being ungrateful.
• Or, she is mad and upset with me that is why she is complaining. I need to make her stop.

Husband #3

This husband experienced pain, confusion and sadness all through childhood. It was overwhelming so he disconnected from the pain and sadness. And in some cases, trauma caused his brain to disconnect.

Her sadness triggers his deep, buried sadness. He immediately imposes this belief on her. Sadness is something to avoid! So, he takes steps to disconnect and avoid her sadness.

Conclusion

Working through sadness together can be a very healthy bonding process. Or it can be one spouse inviting the other into a place he never wants to go.

Prayer

Father, please be lord of my sadness. Use it to heal and grow me. Amen.

Bible

Jesus wept. (with his friends) – John 11:35 NIV

More thoughts at DoctorMarriage.org