Dear wife, you recently asked, “Why do you struggle to connect with me?” I’ve been wrestling with that question. God recently showed me the answer.

I’m learning I run a disconnecting cycle. You approach me with passionate disappointment. You are hurt and upset. Your mood immediately triggers me into the cycle:

1. My mind floods with screaming condemnation. “I’m so stupid. I never get it right. What’s wrong with me?”
2. My mind rages with justification. “I work very hard. I can never please you. Nothing I do is right.”
3. My mind starts arguing and yelling back. “You’re not perfect. You’re flawed. Why do you think you can treat me like this?”
4. Finally, I get lost in my fears. “I’m not good enough. I can’t make her happy. She doesn’t want me.”

Once this cycle starts it’s consuming. It wears me out and breaks me down. It hinders me from hearing and connecting with you. This cycle sends me into distancing and survival mode. I stop hearing you and the conversation changes into fight and flight.

The sad fact is I’ve lived this cycle since childhood, and I’ve connected with no one.

Prayer

Father, I bow my head and my heart to you today. You have helped me see my cycle. I’ve lived a life of survival. And I’m so tired of feeling alone, misunderstood, and disconnected. I will grieve for the hurting boy part of me. And I will live like a man filled with hope. Thank you Abba, Jesus, and Holy Comforter. Amen.

Bible

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. – 1 Corinthians. 13:11 (NIV)