Attunement starts as a connection between a parent and a child. The child cries out in distress and the parent responds by comforting the child.
From those encounters, a child learns several lessons:
- I have the power to cry out.
- I am valued because I can get a response.
- Soothing helps manage stress.
- A connection with another is good.
- My parent is a source for comfort and joy.
Dr. Michael Barta, author of the TINSA model describes it this way, “Attunement occurs when the parent’s nervous system is calming and soothing and begins to regulate the child’s nervous system.”
What happens if your parent is a source of stress, conflict and unpredictability? The child learns to grow and live but without good attunement skills. Attuning is a skill learned in childhood and refined in adulthood.
What areas are covered in adult attuning?
- Active listening
- Being curious
- Asking questions
- Watching for shifts in mood
- Offering soothing touch
- Empathy
- Learning patterns
- Offering support and comfort
- Asking open ended questions
- Always learning
- Listening to feedback
- Seeing when someone is stuck
- Grieving with another
Closing- Attuning is a relationship tool to deepen bonding and connecting.
Prayer
Father, thank you for every time someone attuned to me and poured into my life. Thank for touches, hugs, smiles, kisses, and sex. You are the God of blessings and attunement, and I have been richly blessed. Amen.
Bible
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.
(Jesus was attuned.)
Matthew 8:3 NIV