God recently showed me an old, confusing inner, battle. Allow me to try to explain it.
I was in a conversation that started getting very personal. Suddenly, I had this urge to pull back. As the conversation got deeper my stress level increased. Instead of exploring my stress. An inner, scared part of me whispered. “Hurry. Change the subject!” My mouth opened and out blared these words. “The weather has been so nice lately.”
Everyone, including myself, experienced a shockingly, odd pause.
Then, the Holy Spirit whispered. “Do you see it?” See what? I thought. There are not many times in life when you get to see yourself clearly. This was one of those moments.
I’ve long known I had some kind of issue with emotional topics. But, before today I could not describe it. Here is the best way for me to explain it.
Can you understand the confusion of these four beliefs living in the same body?
- I like talking, and being social.
- People often repeat that I am kind and helpful.
- There is an inner, childhood, program that sits quietly until an emotional conversation starts.
- Then, it screams! “ISOLATE! Protect yourself! Keep your distance. Stay intellectual and spiritual. Never be emotional!”
Then, I remembered. In childhood, I developed a survival skill. It was the skill of “ISOLATING”. Growing up people and emotions overwhelmed me. Isolating kept me safe. I’m fifty years old.
Today, I finally realize I’ve been using that same survival skill, in every emotional conversation……for 42 years. How sad!
Thank you Father, for helping me see me. I’m excited to see you lead me through this change. Lead on. Amen