I have never trusted anyone. I could not trust my parents with my feelings and emotions. And, friends caused me more pain and hurt.

So, I decided. I would keep myself safe. I buried my emotions deep, inside. I trusted no one.

I was desperate to feel loved and find emotional safety. Nothing brought me comfort until my sexuality was awoken. After that day, sexuality became the answer to all fear and loneliness.

Sexuality brought me pleasure and comfort. And, if no one knew it, I could stay safe. It became a powerful tool in my survival kit. I used it to escape. In that fantasy place I felt wanted and loved.

I had discovered my life solution. However, it was missing one small detail. It did not include any real, relationship connecting.

In time, I matured and learned more about love. Love meant sacrifice. I started loving God, my wife, children, and others.

At the same time, I never “trusted” anyone. Outwardly I tried to be loving and inwardly I was untrusting . I kept my fantasy-comfort-life alive. I was trusting or connecting to NO ONE.

As, I reflect. I was good at giving, sacrificing and caring . But, I was writing a limited, love story. I loved and I know I was loved. But, today, I admit I have NOT been living a “Trust” story.

I have never fully trusted God, myself, my wife, or anyone else. Love (sacrificing) without trust is only half living. Today, I am opening up and sharing more of myself. It’s time to express my fears and be heard. (Connected.)

I’m tired and I want to finish whole. So, I have stopped the LOVE-plus-FANTASY-life.

Today, I am building a LOVE-plus-TRUST-life.

Amen