A friend reflected on his life. He admitted to emotionally struggling since childhood. He looked back and identified these weak areas.

I’ve lived such that no one could really get to know me. I always knew something was off. It is not clear why, but I have never felt worthy of receiving love.

My strategy was to live divided. I’ve done a lot of performing and acting to make others happy. I am a Pleaser and a Fixer.

I’ve been fearful of going deep inside myself. I know I had trauma, but I did not want to remember it. Not exploring myself has meant I’ve lived a life of confusion. Anger was my primary tool. I used it to push people away. I have no close male friends.

My sexuality was awoken early. It became a powerhouse of energy. It’s been good for escaping, distracting, and pleasuring.

There was trauma in my life, but I did not want to know it. Now I realize it must be the path to freedom. I have blamed myself. Been hard on myself. And have lived numb most of my life.

Looking back, I see what has not worked. I’m sad about it and yet I have great hope. Why? Because I now see what does not work.

Prayer

Father, please open my heart, mind, and will. I want the peace that surpasses all understanding. I’m so tired of living numb and confused. Please bless me. Amen.

Bible

Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. – Psalm 103:1-5 (NIV)