Joe Cantu, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Trainer, talks about helping couples develop a secure attachment. He says you must always start by helping the spouse who is the Withdrawer.

A Withdrawer could be either spouse. But for our discussion we will use the husband.

Why start with the Withdrawer? Withdrawers live in self-protection mode.Emotional conflict sends him running. His old, past wounds get triggered. Withdrawers quickly move into defensiveness and distancing. In his heart he longs for a powerful connection, but he only has skills to develop a shallow one.

Thoughts for the Withdrawer

You are made to be relational. And you were supposed to be taught how to form deep, relationship connections. Your trainer (dad) was assigned, by God, to model healthy interactions for you. Dad’s job was to teach you how a man loves, attaches, and sacrifices for his wife. And he was also supposed to create a healthy emotional bond with you, his son. Without that guidance, as a child, you were forced to learn a withdrawing-detaching-surviving program.

Prayer

Father, can you help me finish my development? I know how to withdraw and survive. I do not know how to form a deep, rich emotional attachment. Please bless me with wisdom. Amen.

Bible

(Attachment and oneness are trademarks of the Kingdom.)
I pray for them all to be joined together as one even as you and I, Father, are joined together as one. I pray for them to become one with us so that the world will recognize that you sent me.
John 17:21 (TPT)